After traveling by air for many, many years, it’s hard not to recognize those flyers which are just plain annoying. The following list are some of these people that I have seen and continue to loathe:
- The Princess – people who put their jackets and / or their tiny bags in the overhead bin instead of holding onto their jacket and putting their bags under the seat in front of them. Oddly enough, most of these offenders are middle-age business men who carry man-purses around.
- The Lazy Sherpa – people who sit in the back and decide to put their roller bags up by the bulkhead. Although these offenders won’t have to carry their already over packed bag as far, it forces people near to front to check their baggage OR they will need to go further back and tick off those people seated there.
- My new best friend – perpetrators are usually old, lonely, or just nervous of flying. They like to tell you everything about themselves, even if you don’t ask. Sometimes they will continue to talk to you even when your eyes are closed and you’re sleeping.
- THIS IS MY INSIDE VOICE! – no matter where you are on the plane, there is no escaping this individual. This pattern can occur simultaneously with the “My new best friend” pattern.
- The Brewery/Distillery – the nervous flier who decide to self-medicate themselves with booze before and during the flight. Usually stinks of booze for the entire flight. Bonus points if the Brewery / Distillery has spittle / barf on their face / shirt / slacks.
- The Seat Cowboy – people who bounce around in their seat and mercilessly try to force their seat back further than the seat is manufactured to do… or until my knees break.
- The Uni-bomber – this offender usually works alone or with a can of beans before hand. Many people are affected when his / her bomb goes off, but no one knows who did it. The phrase “silent but deadly” is truly applicable in this instance.
- Sausage in a Bun – usually comprises of one larger individual in the middle seat or two on the outside seats.
- Seat Squatter – when you arrive at your seat, there is already someone there and they try to sell you on taking their less pleasant seat. Sometimes they will continue to hum and ha until you have to physically give them the boot.
- Au Natural – lucky are you when you sit next to a naturalist who refuses to wear deodorant because of their inorganic elements.
- Mosquito Fogger – individuals whose sense of smell has become worse over the years and so they have to apply their fragrances using a mosquito fogger so they and everyone on the plane can smell it.
- New Age Wacko Parent – parents who let their children have the rule of the aircraft i.e. the kids are allowed treat their seats like jungle gyms or trampolines. These parents also let their child scream and cry since the child is “only trying to express him / her self”.
- I have no bladder control, but I want the window seat – if you know that you have problems with your bladder / bowels, please choose a seat near the lavatory and in the aisle
- I don’t like being bothered, but I want the aisle seat – by electing to take an aisle seat, you need to have some expectations that people in your row will need to get up
- My legs are short, but I want the bulkhead or emergency exit row – save these seats for people who get bloody knees from sitting behind you
- I sit in an aisle/window seat and I want both armrests – you already have one personal armrest. Think of the poor schmuck who is stuck in the middle!
- No, I will not switch (equivalent) seats so you can sit with your wife – I really don’t know what to say about this one. If you recognize yourself as being an offender then you deserve to be beaten.
- I like my space and I want to pay for economy – if you really do have space issues then fork the cash out for first class seats… if you choose not to then “just suck it up princess”.